I think there is this preconceived notion that once the last chemo is over, life begins again. For me, that was partly true. I was able to drink and eat real things again. I didn’t have to sanitize my hands and my desks after every student sneezed. I could go on weekend trips with friends and take walks on the Rambla. And stay out past midnight. I did all of these things. Maybe not up to the standards that I was doing them before my diagnosis. Nevertheless, it feels like I have my life back a bit.
So why no blogging? Plenty of people have asked, “WHERE ARE THE BLOGS?!” They miss them and want to hear the after-chemo stories. While I am ridiculously flattered, I am also a little blogged out. I feel like I have been writing about my health for, well, six months.
First, I spent months not feeling like myself that once I started getting back to being ‘Kim,’ I didn’t want to spend one moment not living large. Ironically, this created amazing memories I should be blogging about, but even writing took time away from a coffee with a friend or a date night of wine and great food.
Second, I am still tired. Don’t get me wrong, it isn’t the crippling exhaustion that I felt before. I can stay up until midnight on a school night again. Although truth be told, I have only done this once. But without my mom here, the routine is a little slow to get back into. I am just starting to figure out consistent times to get up in the morning to make sure I can make breakfast and eat it sitting at a table before having to run out the door. And Mom worked so hard keeping the house clean that I kind of feel obligated to, you know, do dishes right after I finish eating. (Although I will admit that there are nights a few are left in the sink for the morning.)
However, the most difficult reason is because although life has returned, I still don’t feel like this is all over. I want it to be, desperately. But until I get a clean PET scan on June 11th, I really don’t feel “cured” per se. And I am still scared, which is disheartening. And people are so excited. So why bum everyone out with my fears when we can go drink some Rambla beers and watch the sunset instead.
So please forgive the absence. I understand that you all were on the journey with me and want to be able to do so again, this time in celebration. After all, this blog started as a means of preserving memories while living abroad, and will be so again. But for now, I am just playing the waiting game. In the meantime, I will back-blog a bit to share some of the memories of these past few weeks post chemo.