Only four more. That’s what I keep telling myself and what my people keep celebrating. To the outside world, four more sounds like nothing. But to me, the person going through it, four more is the worst. I am just done with this. And this treatment was probably the worst of the lot. Not because of symptoms or pain, mentally I am just done with it all.
I woke up done. I didn’t want to go. I didn’t want to do this. I didn’t want to feel crummy again. Mentally, I was depleted. Maybe it was the horrible weekend of pain from the Neupogen shots. Maybe it was the overcast weather. Or maybe the four more has the opposite effect on the person in chemotherapy. It’s like “get this over with already!” Because four more is still two months. Four more is a build up of 8 poison sessions that have left my body weak, my stomach in constant turmoil, and my muscles atrophied (vocab word for my ninth graders). As you can see, when I am mentally depleted, I sleep through chemo. I just close my eyes and hope that when I wake up, it will all be over.
Valeria picked me and Mom up yesterday morning. Valeria has been one of my constant rocks throughout this whole process. She is consistent in making sure I am well and taken care of. So, that helped get me out of my funk a little bit. And when we got to Day Care, all of the nurses did what they do. They greeted us with kisses and kindness. They have become my family, which is both wonderful and difficult. I want to be done with this whole process so badly, but I love these women in my life.
The port needle was inserted and the routine began. And as soon as the loopy drug hit, I went to sleep. I was probably the most boring patient. I didn’t even really notice the different transitions of the drugs. I simply slept and woke up half way through the tinfoil one, which was when lunch was delivered. But I wasn’t really hungry. I even left my lovely sugar-free ice-cream untouched, which is unusual for me. But I just didn’t feel like eating. Again, my stomach is ten kinds of messed up and my taste buds are crazy. Everything bland tastes horrible and anything flavorful hurts my stomach. It’s a twisted world. When I finally did wake up, I had some great conversations with Valeria. We talked about school and her upcoming 50th!
Four hours and ten minutes. We were done. The chemos are getting shorter and easier in process, but they are getting harder for me. Despite my colorful tights and Flintstone socks, I just could not find the energy. As my British friend Chris says, I cannot be bothered. Ok, I could be a little bothered…these socks are amazing! Thank you, Mrs. Shrum!
At home, I couldn’t get comfortable on the couch. My stomach was going crazy. And so I put on some classics, The Princess Bride and Sister Act. They did make me a little happier. I have noticed this weird pressure on my chest after chemo. The doctor prescribed antihistamine in case I am having an allergic reaction. But those didn’t help as much. It is a heaviness with shortness of breath. I think the drugs are effecting my upper respiratory track. Which is probably why stairs and even long walks are so difficult now. Exercise is something I cannot wait to do again. I feel so sedate. Then there was a Queer Eye to finish and phone calls to make and then bed.
So that is where I am. Now, only three more. But I have a feeling these are going to be some of the hardest for me. Maybe not the last one. That one is going to be a big old celebration. But, these next two are just another chore I have to do and don’t want to do. And the only consolation is that I got to get out of the Teacher Training Day this week. At least their was one silver lining.